Getting a Handle on CPTSD

What is anxiety? I am going to address this from my perspective. It might take a couple of goes as I a v tired this evening. My earliest memories are of being loved and cared for, and I also had an inability to fight back. Fighting back- responding to other children's violence was alien to me.  I had a separation anxiety from my mother was this because I was left in hospital for a few weeks after i was born??? I dont know.  Anyway i had many major life changing events when I was very young. I witnessed a dog getting flattened by a bus and many elderly relatives died in a very short space of time probably 6 or 7 over a three year period.  During this time I learned that the world was a dangerous place and not to be trusted. Also I learned that having my own thoughts and wants would be severely punished. The education system in the 1960's bordered on the criminal with severe punishments and shaming for fuck all. It affected me greatly.  Unlike my sister I did n...

Once the penny dropped and I could see that I could have external boundaries they became defended in a very immature way ;maybe not as angst ridden as a teenager but with a degree of hostility. My new home became my castle and i needed to defend it. I can see now that that was a necessary step and an understandable one. It has taken many months to properly interact with my neighbours.  I have also been fighting an internal battle thinking that my relatives wouldnt approve of my decor; this too is understandable. I needed to see that everything wasn't necessarily a case of fight or flight. With my burned out energy levels it is more a case of crumple into a heap :-). Hopefully I can gently recharge my batteries and slowly improve my fitness levels..

External boundaries are put up for self protection. They are what they are. They may be defended vigorously or maybe they are flexible. It all depends on how how I feel. Once I can take at least one external perspective I can begin to question these boundaries. I feel it is good to take an almost disinterested perspective as if I am a curious visitor.  Question 1 are these boundaries necessary? I will do a dialogue which will help my do this post. Boundary setter and Me. BS..... This boundary is to keep people out.? Me  Yes.. BS    Why do you have to have it? Me It is my first boundary- It gives me space.  BS I see that but why? Me I am tired of people- they wear me out BS Are you sure this is healthy for you? Me At the moment yes it is. I need to rest and think.  BS Do you want this boundary time limited? Me I haven't decided yet.  BS  Why not? Me You are not in charge here, I am making this boundary and any others I make...

This is something I feel I will expand upon sometime. I have a story. This story is unpleasant at times and has lead me to mentally decapitating several individuals in the wee small hours prior to sleep.  I can see that there are a lot of feelings and hurt there and a desire to get even-whatever that means.... so what is going on ? I am torturing myself I am not relaxing and enjoying the present moment; thankfully sans alcoohol.  Ok so things happened. i get that. why do I feel hurt? I feel hurt because I expected other people to behave differently towards me.  I can see that this is unhelpful thinking...  People act the way they do because they can. Do I have any right to control what other people think,say or do? to me Yes I do have the right -when my health welfare and life are threatened. I have the right to protect myself physically, mentally and spiritually.  Why do people behave the way they do? Because th...

One thing that stands out today is the idea of emotional literacy. I have been doing an online course to improve this. Basically it starts with taking an emotional issue making a few sub emotion headings , and further subdividing them. This leads to a nuanced view of what is going on. The interesting thing is that you can see the holes in other people's emotional literacy. Someone accused me of being rude last week. Usually that would have floored me, instead i was able to calmly say' I feel i wasn't being rude, i was being exasperated - and not with you '.  I use a mind map approach to this with an incident in the middle and several important sub emotions branching from it. I have found it useful to write body sensations in the margins of my mindmaps. Hopefully this will help to release them...

I have started this blog today to get a handle on my mental health issues. And I am not he best today. I was away on a bus trip yesterday and feel very tired. The weather is poor and a storm is on the way. I decided to set up this blog yesterday and to give myself some ooomph I have gone ahead. :-) . I have signed up for a google domain CPTSDrelief.co.uk or wellness or something...  Yes I am tired and sleepy and today I don't have to be perfect.  My intention is to post regularly and document progress...  So here I am tired knackered, 60 years old male, with a slight runny nose and I cant stop yawning.........  P