Doing things..........

This can be difficult for me as I have learnt that if things I do are 'wrong' there will be punishment. The nature of this punishment boils down to physical beatings. Thus there is a feeling of terror at times . this can vary between acute stressfullness and terror. When things get really bad I lose identity,become dysarthric  and begin to act like a scared child of about age 4. This makes job interviews practically impossible due to me talking absolute gibberish. A couple of times I have (seemingly) blasted through this and become temporarily loud obnoxious and mildly aggressive. This is a sort of coping mechanism and always results in some sort of head trouble..... 

 I need to unpack the doingness of things.  Excuse the dodgy writing as this probably wont make a lot of sense. Let take something basic like doing a sum. This brings up mental images of being in a classroom doing problems in arithmetic. Panic sets in mind blanks and terror is felt : through this internalised terror I attempt to do a sum; I can recognise the numbers on the page but cannot join them together. There is a high expectation on me as I am supposed to be one of the 'top' pupils and I fear a bollocking from the teacher if I make a mistake. The school system in the 1960's was a disaster for me. 

 What did i need to do? I needed to read the question'write down the important things, draw a wee picture if necessary and then ask what do they want me to do? I can see that I needed to be able to read the question subjectively. This couldnt be done due to fear of punishment, and many other perceptual biasis, -including misunderstood words and concepts within the question. If I could understand the question from my perspective and the perspective of the person setting the question I would have been in a better position to solve the problem. 

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